lazy sunday

on a lazy sunday the pain doesn't idle,

i wash the outsides of my apartment windows,

straining on the inside ledge wondering why even,

trying not to fall out or daring i do,

taking a shower, still as watched prey,
detecting the calculus in a grid of water droplets on tile,

i see it's just a system superdetermined.
listening to ___ from twenty years ago,

it floods into my ears and out my eyes,
tears falls from the past to the present for the future:
when i returned to ___ and learned that joy isn't for keeping,
when i met ___ and understood the deceit of love,
when i roamed the streets a beast and came home a stone,
when i killed ___ through negligence and stupidity,

when i'll witness ___ and feel the freedom of loss,
each moment is permanent vapor,

blending into the spring air

flowing in through the bathroom window,
laughter and screams aloft.