lazy sunday

on a lazy sunday the pain doesn't idle,
i wash the outsides of my apartment windows,
straining on the inside ledge wondering why even,
trying not to fall out or daring i do,
taking a shower, still as watched prey,
detecting the calculus in a grid of water droplets on tile,
i see it's just a system superdetermined.
listening to ___ from twenty years ago,
it floods into my ears and out my eyes,
tears falls from the past to the present for the future:
when i returned to ___ and learned that joy isn't for keeping,
when i met ___ and understood the deceit of love,
when i roamed the streets a beast and came home a stone,
when i killed ___ through negligence and stupidity,
when i'll witness ___ and feel the freedom of loss,
each moment is permanent vapor,
blending into the spring air
flowing in through the bathroom window,
laughter and screams aloft.

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