i miss you

but not enough of you

what you were

is now formlessness

the healing process

can feel like erasure

pain is holding on

grasping at memory

with broken fists

dumb and mute

is loving

the now gone

love on its way to you

got bent like light thru glass

caught on doubt mid-air

some mild indifference

enough to warp affection

refracted lengthwise

then diluted

see it bilocate

into rainbow

here it lands

there it hangs

arched among us

anchorless already

glimmering away

river doesn't meditate

on the pain of its emptying

or the majesty of its source

its running is meditation

its changing is ceremony

stillness is next to godlessness

to the fawn in the brush

the entrails of the doe

spilled upon the frozen garden

symbolize nothing.

in the story of the fawn

there is no story.

too dark

i'm eclipsed and have been emitting less light, withholding
radiance, just barely recognizable by the coronal shape of critical

absence, over the distance is silence, through the silence is

distance,

meaning here

meaning now, is refracted

it's over there, it's later on

doubling back on itself so i can't follow it

to my new life,

i'm too dark, too beyond my own control

row, row
row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily merrily merrily row, row
row your boat merrily merrily merrily 
gently down the stream
merrily merrily row merrily row gently row down the stream merrily down

merrily merrily merrily merrily merrily merrilymerrily merrly merrily y

merril merr i i i lymerr meriilly mermerrily merrilymerri ly l y

life is:

chained to the hull

blood and shit in the water

miles of trees and roots closing in

unscalable bluffs

the majesty of the waterfall's falling

mist

ancient yet transitory

emptying out

rejoining the sea

but a dream

a spell

i come upon the ghosts
i don't want to hold them
my grief is love with nowhere to go
i want to go, and i start to
then i cast a spell, or it casts itself

Vivianette, Lauren, Ursula, a sigil

vivianette leads my death to death

lauren tears its veil into fine threads

ursula sweeps it away in the still light of midday

unreturned, my joy, my love, is gone, is gone!

A leash a leash

First dinner abandonment

Freedom and violence Ashes ashes 

The ocean lashes atone atone 

Life is something something helping something still eyed faulty failure lost our little boy 

What will help said life is fragile

Wrap in baby blanket body warm failure failure 

A leash Alisha said nothing could have happened other than the way it happened 

Regret the multiverse where he lives and I hold him again and play in the sun 

Acorn carrot abandonment a rainy night

Bad parents who fail Innocence something something innocence put pain somewhere spiral into a pit and stay there in hell

Publish 

my gods are innumerable stars in a black sky
too close and low and static and issuing no light
above the silent dunes of ash, born of no tides, no winds
under leagues of soot forever undisturbed
one burnt and buried flake am i

the far-flung
wren learns
a hard-won lesson:
become well-rounded by staying grounded,
be fueled by panic while aerodynamic,
or get there fast by shattering glass

wish

a body that cannot be erased and cannot be carried across
the coiling finish line of mortality but can be carried
outward, to the sprawling cosmos meeting then surpassing the speeding boundary of this universe we have bodies in
emptying out and filling in the end of the expanse
is what you wish for 

from your sunken down beaten still beating heart upon waking in exhaustion
a heart that can't be moved, a body that can't be erased and speeds toward light-surpassing darkness,
and the humanity without the human wreckage and fatal remainder of living

whether you are written like a poem by the domineering hand of man or executed script by indifferent physics compiled as divinity,
the output is the same common pattern measured and measurable
a predicted pre-rejected wish for more

only water 2

Even when when I’m only water
even then and only when
the wind is eager endless empty
ever is the river winnowing
eased or never easing, ending but never ended
within the wind I’m winding east
then west, then east

awake and wild

only water

even when i'm only water all the friends
i loved are not friends and are unknown by whoever i am now
every memory of joy is rotted and to recollect one is to think of a corpse on a pile
when i smiled it's because you smiled and not because i want to smile because i cannot
want to
a machine that detects and records deviations in pain and

rests among nonsignificant events to conserve energy until there is no more

i'm taken aback by my own revolted love for death and bored by those same old revulsions

the reliable floods

the dreams of the aftermath
when the tempest hits i am not struck
but folded at rest into a sheet of undulating chaos

even then i'm only water

being nothing having nothing in the warm yellow light of passivity
makes you a meadow and a mark of grace
summer's gonna cum
he's gonna plant a seed of winter blossom in the belly of fall
dispel your nausea with a sip from the goblet of crystalline emptiness
and you shall quench your excess
you're a good motherfather you're a seeking morning glory in the night
meditating on their birthing pains with
a philsophy of prosperity in mind
a blind inward eye
ever gazing at nothing

there comes a time when

'n it's come faster than i thought

everything that pins you here

is drifting, dust, or done. 

the painting above the bed

the seashell on the shelf

what does what did they mean

what cost what benefit to self

when even sen tenc es erode

does writing read un hear d

what am or was   or was  n't i 

if not  a man  of my  word 

change

change
thanks for everythin
let's smoke 'em if you got 'em
while we're waitin for the end

decease [sic]
and desist already
cuz it's gettin late
'n hazy n i can't guarantee that
i'll guarantee that

yea

we fucked
it up i guess the slate is clean
and i'm sorry for what i did
but i'm still out fifty bucks
i guess we're fine