only water

even when i'm only water all the friends
i loved are not friends and are unknown by whoever i am now
every memory of joy is rotted and to recollect one is to think of a corpse on a pile
when i smiled it's because you smiled and not because i want to smile because i cannot
want to
a machine that detects and records deviations in pain and
rests among nonsignificant events to conserve energy until there is no more
i'm taken aback by my own revolted love for death and bored by those same old revulsions
the reliable floods
the dreams of the aftermath
when the tempest hits i am not struck
but folded at rest into a sheet of undulating chaos
even then i'm only water

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