i miss you

but not enough of you

what you were

is now formlessness

the healing process

can feel like erasure

pain is holding on

grasping at memory

with broken fists

dumb and mute

is loving

the now gone

love on its way to you

got bent like light thru glass

caught on doubt mid-air

some mild indifference

enough to warp affection

refracted lengthwise

then diluted

see it bilocate

into rainbow

here it lands

there it hangs

arched among us

anchorless already

glimmering away

river doesn't meditate

on the pain of its emptying

or the majesty of its source

its running is meditation

its changing is ceremony

stillness is next to godlessness

to the fawn in the brush

the entrails of the doe

spilled upon the frozen garden

symbolize nothing.

in the story of the fawn

there is no story.

too dark

i'm eclipsed and have been emitting less light, withholding
radiance, just barely recognizable by the coronal shape of critical

absence, over the distance is silence, through the silence is

distance,

meaning here

meaning now, is refracted

it's over there, it's later on

doubling back on itself so i can't follow it

to my new life,

i'm too dark, too beyond my own control

row, row
row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily merrily merrily row, row
row your boat merrily merrily merrily 
gently down the stream
merrily merrily row merrily row gently row down the stream merrily down

merrily merrily merrily merrily merrily merrilymerrily merrly merrily y

merril merr i i i lymerr meriilly mermerrily merrilymerri ly l y

life is:

chained to the hull

blood and shit in the water

miles of trees and roots closing in

unscalable bluffs

the majesty of the waterfall's falling

mist

ancient yet transitory

emptying out

rejoining the sea

but a dream

a spell

i come upon the ghosts
i don't want to hold them
my grief is love with nowhere to go
i want to go, and i start to
then i cast a spell, or it casts itself

Vivianette, Lauren, Ursula, a sigil

vivianette leads my death to death

lauren tears its veil into fine threads

ursula sweeps it away in the still light of midday

unreturned, my joy, my love, is gone, is gone!

A leash a leash

First dinner abandonment

Freedom and violence Ashes ashes 

The ocean lashes atone atone 

Life is something something helping something still eyed faulty failure lost our little boy 

What will help said life is fragile

Wrap in baby blanket body warm failure failure 

A leash Alisha said nothing could have happened other than the way it happened 

Regret the multiverse where he lives and I hold him again and play in the sun 

Acorn carrot abandonment a rainy night

Bad parents who fail Innocence something something innocence put pain somewhere spiral into a pit and stay there in hell

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